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I can"t believe they make this magazine. These headlines are hilarious. "Are you a self-proclaimed ASS MAN?" Wow.I got an email today from my funny friend Alex, who happens to be black, and whom I haven"t seen in over a year since I left New York City. He writes,"PS. YOU BETTER NOT HAVE LOST THAT BLACK GIRL BUTT...LOL"Alex used to be quite forthcoming in his appreciation of my booty, which I found (if not somewhat inappropriate since we were co-workers at the time), both flattering and funny.He even nicknamed me "Butt Girl," like some plastic action figure type character. I was like, "Alex, please don"t call me "Butt Girl" in front of anyone else." But it was kinda funny.Contrary to what we white chicks are taught to believe, most men tend to admire a bubble butt. And just because we"recaucasian, itdoesn"t mean we have tote aroundthesaggy white-girl ass with which DNA has cursed us. But you have to work at a booty makeover, and work hard. Sadly for Alex, I indeedhave let my "black girl butt" deflate to itsflat, shapelesswhite girl status with which I was born.I allowed this to happen becauseI haven"t seen the inside of a gym in a very long time due to the fact I live in the middle of freaking nowhere. Hopefully the saggyness of my assis just a temporary situation until I can once again get my ass to a gym. And once I do, my glutes are in for a big shock.If you are a white girl with an ass that is shaped more like an ironing board rather than a shelf you can rest a drink on, fear not. Within a month or two you can see results if you do these following glute exercises. I"ve ranked them in order of effectiveness, but they"re all good. They certainlyworked for me. With all of these exercises, use as much weight as you canlift -- but not so much that you lose proper form. Do three sets of 10-15 repetitions. Rest about a minute to a minute-and-a-half between each set so your muscles can recover.

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#1: SQUATS
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I had to include this picture because it"s just too damngood. Look at the little pedal pusher leggings and little white sneakers Arnold is wearing. My grandmother used to dress just like that. So cute.Squats are the best for your booty. Don"t use a Smith Machine because when you do them the old fashioned way using a plain old squat rack like the one above, you use your abs as well. And you"ll notice you can"t lift as much when you do them the old fashioned way, which means, obviously, that they"re harder this way, which makes your ass work harder, which will make it harder, which is our goal.Tips: To help keep your back straight, look up. Put something under your heels, too. If there isn"t a board lying around, use a weight plate. Also, come down to a full bend so your hipbones are lower than your knees. With deep squats you will feel the burn. Yowza. #2. LUNGES
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For these, I prefer the Smith Machine. Put a box or an aerobic "step" thing way out in front of you and brace your foot on that before you start. This allows you for a deeper lunge, again, making your ass work harder.#3. ROMANIAN (STIFF-LEGGED)DEADLIFTS
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You will feel this burning your hamstrings as well as your butt. Watch out if you have a bad back. Start with the bar almost resting on the tops of your sneakers. Keep your knees locked and keep the bar close to your legs as you rise up. Killer exercise. Tip: Pick something eye-level in front of you to look at andwatch that point of reference thewhole time you rise up and down. You want to keep your head up/straight, which in turn keeps your back straight.#4. THE BUTT BLASTER
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This machine"sa gift from the butt gods. Works superbly. Not all gyms have one, but they should. Guys will never get on the Butt Blaster. Never ever ever.#5. CABLE CROSSOVER MACHINE
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I don"t know if there"s a real name for this exercise, but it"s great. Put on as much weight as you can handle and raise your leg until it"s parallel with the floor. If you are worried that doing all these exercises will make your butt too big, don"t. Unless you do these for ten hours a day, seven days a week, you"re in no danger of looking prefer . . .

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The way too-much-muchness booty of fitness model Melissa Budreau.