When it concerned sword genealogies, J. R. R. Tolkien left little to the imagination. Yet when it concerned discussing i m sorry of his iconic characters were noble heroes in the streets/Uruk Hai in the sheets, Professor Tolkien to be far an ext reticent.

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Thus we have actually taken it upon ourselves to answer an eternal question: which lord of the ring characters, shall we say, to adjust waste come Helm’s Deep? Who’s always down for second Breakfast? Which people hopped the Buckleberry Ferry come Bonetown? that reassembled the Shards of Narsil into a mighty sword?

OK, the last one doesn’t work. We recognize that.

Anyway, i m sorry LOTR characters certainly got it on? join us as we prize that concern for a smattering that Middle-earth citizens, arranged from the most libertine to the many chaste…

This all started, as everything good does, with a Slack conversation. We mainly stuck come the Fellowship, but, well, several of us have actually burning crushes ~ above Galadriel, and it’s our list anyway and also we deserve to do what we want. I have actually left straight attributions out to preserve the participants’ honor, but please recognize that all of us contributed to this, and none of us are sorry.

Gandalf the Grey


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Screenshot: new Line Cinema


It was stated in our conversation the “this is a fight in between Gimli and also Sam.” Obviously through Sam we have evidence in the kind of lover Hobbit moppets. V Gimli we simply need to trust that his swagger is born of discovering that he’s never ever in his life gone home from a mead room or club alone.

Sam


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Screenshot: new Line Cinema


Our queen is not dark yet beautiful and also terrible together the Dawn, treacherous as the Sea, stronger than the structures of the Earth, and also she absolutely fucks.

The Oliphaunts


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Screenshot: new Line Cinema


Slayed Gandalf, most likely slayed a couple of other things too.

Meriadoc Brandybuck


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Screenshot: new Line Cinema


Spent her youth fighting turn off the wade 4Chan short article that is Gríma Wormtongue, thought she uncovered real love with Aragorn only to it is in rejected for a storage of love (more on the later), yeeted sex norms from her life like Denethor from a parapet, and, finally, stabbed the shit the end of the WitchKing. Our girl had actually a lot of of, uhhh, pent up power by the time she ultimately met Faramir in the houses of Healing. (Cue Marvin Gaye.)

The Ents


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Screenshot: brand-new Line Cinema


I to be not encouraged that Boromir fucks. I am convinced that that brought far-ranging others residence for household dinners, to shot to relieve few of the stress of his residence life, and then Denethor spent the totality meal talking around how happy someone would be to marry his better son and give him lots of heirs.

Ick.

Aragorn


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Screenshot: brand-new Line Cinema


Is UNDERAGE. We’ve extended this. But once he’s old sufficient to wow everyone at the Prancing Pony’s karaoke nights? He’ll be warding off Hobbits the every gender, and you understand he’ll continue to be friends with all of his exes.

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Legolas


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Screenshot: brand-new Line Cinema


Is also damaged to fuck. Maybe—maybe—he make the efforts once, and also starts weeping. If just he still had the ring, and also could it is in invisible. The flicker of bleak hope that, somewhere in the dark, Sauron can be watching.

Leah Schnelbach is happy to take duty for this post, yet wants to suggest out that this sucker to be a team effort. Come express her outrage top top Twitter!