It’s a dark time, friend. The world is getting cold and rainy, the election looms ever closer, and yesterday, news was released that Farrah Abraham and Amber Portwood (two people who had never let on that they might have issues controlling their tempers!) got into a physical altercation on the set of the Teen Mom reunion. A dark time, indeed.

You are watching: Teen mom og season 6 episode 11

But here, on the 11th episode of this season of Teen Mom OG, it’s still eternal summer. The air is warm and yogurt-scented, Maci is wearing what could only be described as a “snakeskin merit badge” (you saw that, right? In the car?), and the hottest man on television returns to slake our thirsts after being absent for most of the season. Hi, Butch! We’ve missed you!


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Maci

It’s Maci’s birthday, so Phil Robertson (Taylor, for the uninitiated) has made the important decision to put down his phone for a few seconds so he can coerce Bentley and the other 53 moppets that he and Maci have created into writing her a birthday note and surprising their mom with cake and balloons. Nice! I kind of wish the presents would include one of those coupon books that entitle you to have your kids and significant others do some goddamn chores around here, but considering that Maci isn’t the one making the cake and blowing up all the balloons for her own surprise party — tell me you didn’t consider this might happen! — let’s call this one a win.

The ruse to get Maci to her party is actually pretty cute: Phil and Bentley write a little note together and slip it to Maci’s friend who, after inviting Maci over and presenting her with a six-pack of Bud Lite (yaaaaaaas!) and her wedding RSVP — “I just keep forgetting to put it in the mail,” the friend says — hands it over to Maci and tells her to follow the instructions (which inform Maci that she must come home.)

“What could this be?” Maci asks incredulously. I honestly don’t know whether it’s because she knows it’s a party and is pretending to be surprised, or whether she truly has no idea what’s going on (because when have you ever seen Phil Robertson do anything except discuss how hard having kids is while doing literally less than nothing?) and thinks that her house might be on fire. Either way, she seems a little pissed about having to come home immediately — she’d been planning to go by the mall and pick up a few more kids because she wants to get that number to a nice, round 100 — but she does so anyway, strutting through the door with a coffee cup (and a few toddlers she just couldn’t say no to) to celebrate a quarter century on this plane of existence.

If Maci seems stressed all throughout her party, it’s because Ryan is still not picking up his end of the parenting bargain. Maci reveals that Ryan only shows up when the cameras are there, and she and Phil are both certain Ryan isn’t going to show up to Bentley’s first day of school (which is a thing, I guess; I don’t remember both my parents ever taking me to school together, but we’re Russian — we’re not known for our feelings; we’re known for training circus bears).

Ryan, of course, doesn’t disappoint. And by that, I mean he totally does. Instead of showing up to drop Bentley off, he sends Maci a text telling her to wish Bentley a good first day. Of course, even this is a lot for Ryan. Everyone is almost pleased for a second, but then they remember that Ryan just sits in his living room all day deciding whether tonight’s the night he’s finally going to put on the other half of his clown costume and scare some kids, and suddenly no one is pleased anymore. Least of all Maci, who not only has to deal with her ex being a deadbeat but also has to come to terms with that weird kale-colored snakeskin badge thing on her shirt. Hope it’s not from her clothing line!

Amber

Let’s be real about one thing: Amber’s entire segment this week is 3,000 percent staged, and you’d have an easier time convincing me that this election is rigged or that 9/11 was an inside job than making me believe that Matt’s son Christopher — who had talked badly of him in the tabloids — just showed up out of nowhere after not seeing his dad for 10 years just in time for him to casually fly out to L.A. with Matt and Amber and appear on the now-canceled Dr. Drew Show (on which Amber and Matt were finally going to put all the nasty rumors about them to rest). Tell me you didn’t just read that and think, Man, I haven’t even seen this episode yet, but that definitely sounds like something fishy is going on!

Why are Amber and Matt on Dr. Drew’s show in the first place? It’s because another tabloid rumor has surfaced — this time, that Amber had a miscarriage due to substance use — and Matt can’t take it anymore. Amber’s pretty blasé about the whole thing (for some reason there’s a whole scene in which she just sits in bed and stares around the room for a while before Matt tells her that the tabloids are at it again), but Matt is adamant that he must clear his name.

To her credit, Amber, who is constantly being hated on in the media, just couldn’t give less of a shit about what some random tabloid says, but she wants to let Matt know she will always stand beside him, so she agrees when he suggests that they fly out to L.A. to eat tacos (apparently, they’re better in California than they are in Indiana), although she also tells Matt that she doesn’t care about his past and that even if he wasn’t a great guy before, he’s a great guy now.

“What do you mean?” Matt asks her, because he is really committed to this idea that he’s never done a bad thing in his life (even though he admits to neglecting several of his children just a few breaths later) and is upset that she would say otherwise.

Fortunately, both Amber and Matt are saved by the bell. Who’s that calling? Oh, just Matt’s son Christopher, who’s Amber’s age and who Matt hasn’t seen for over a decade. Oh, and Christopher is having a hard time and needs to get away, so Matt invites him out to L.A. where everyone can discuss that yes, Matt may have made some mistakes in his innocent youth (I’m going by Billy Bush’s metric here, where you can still consider something that happened at 35 a youthful indiscretion) but he’s good now.

If anyone was worried whether Christopher would also end up on Dr. Drew’s show (I don’t know the actual title, so I’m just going to keep typing it like that because I’m not going to give that charlatan ad revenue by searching for his name) you have nothing to fear: He absolutely does. Of course, Christopher politely says he’d like to not be on stage and would prefer to sit in the audience, which Dr. Drew wholeheartedly supports. But then there’s no actual audience, which is so weird. It’s just Amber and Matt on stage with this dude that Amber’s never met before and that Matt hasn’t seen in 10 years sitting and watching. Do you think there was a warm-up act before this thing started? Was Christopher invited to do the wave by some local comedian just trying to get a few credits on his résumé?

In the end, Dr. Drew says Amber and Matt got their message across, but I agree with Amber that they shouldn’t have said anything in the first place because it mostly makes the duo look desperate and pathetic (which Amber is not!). Also, Amber’s been doing this for eight years, she knows how the game works, so it’s kind of messed up for Matt to first insert himself into her life (which I 100 percent believe he did, at least at first, to get on the show) and then to start making these kinds of demands. Anyone else feeling really bad for her?

Farrah

If someone had told me, when I was 25 and just starting grad school, that I would one day devote hours of my time to writing about the inner workings of a frozen yogurt shop run by a serial entrepreneur who doesn’t know that “severencing” isn’t a word, I wouldn’t have believed it and demanded that they take this statement back. But here we are together, all rapt viewers, watching Farrah (who is never going to be fired from this show no matter how many times she hits or pushes someone) sink a business that’s dying only days (weeks?) after its grand opening.

This week, Farrah, who mostly appears dressed in a futuristic Sephora uniform (which I guess is what everyone at Fro Co wears?), has to fire someone. And not just someone. She has to fire Kiana who (1) used to work at this same yogurt shop before it became Farrah’s garden of frozen delights and (2) is trying really hard but hasn’t yet learned that Farrah isn’t an actual manager and thinks that employees asking for help are nuisances with “bad energy” rather than people just trying to do their jobs and begging her for some kind of leadership. This is your dream, Farrah! This yogurt shop is everything! So why are you firing the people who are trying their hardest to make it a success?

Before Farrah lets Kiana go, she speaks with her father about whether it’s the best plan of action. Michael tells her he’ll be supportive regardless but invites Farrah to plan her actions and to be professional and on-track when she and Kiana speak. “I’m never off-track,” Farrah responds before angrily telling her father that she says “very few words,” which is technically correct — because she is usually screaming them. Farrah then regains her composure and says she’s going to talk to Kiana about her “lack of communication and horrible choices” (definitely something a boss would say, and also very incorrect as Farrah’s whole problem is that Kiana is trying too hard to communicate) before threatening that she’ll “never speak to her again,” if Kiana doesn’t understand. Again: on-track and professional.

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On the day that Farrah fires Kiana — it’s important to note that Kiana showed up early to help out and Farrah fired her while wearing this hideous Fro Co sunglasses, so you tell me who’s professional — the tensions are high. Farrah terrorizes her hapless employee for a few minutes by pulling things out of her hands and threatening her with “the talk” before sitting Kiana down for a one-on-one to tell her what’s up.